Now I’m Found…

It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to actually be someone else. To look at them and wonder, “Why are they unhappy? They seem to have it all.” But, what most people can’t see are the very things that actually define another individual. Back in my BC (before children)/SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) days, I used to teach my Communication students about a concept called the Johari Window. Briefly stated, the Johari Window attempts to help us better understand our relationships with others, but most importantly, it seeks to help us identify our relationship with the self. It is made up of four windows, each displaying the varying degrees of information — information known to others (i.e. appearance, behaviors, etc.) and that information known to self (i.e. fears, dreams, hopes, etc.). One of the quadrants is referred to as the unknown. Therein lies information not known to others or the self. It is my belief that for the last six to nine months (give or take) I’ve been stuck in the unknown quadrant trying to figure out what exactly it is that I am seeking.

Welcome back to Deep Thought Thursdays, dear readers. It’s been a while (again) since I’ve written. I don’t know why we parted ways, but it happened. In a way, my hiatus from writing/blogging gave me a better appreciation for its importance in my life, as I realized that without it, I’ve fallen deeper into the unknown.

We all struggle with our own demons, some scarier than others. Some of those demons reside entrenched within the unknown and don’t fully emerge until an encounter with another brings them to light (i.e. the Johari Window — see how I did that? The teacher in me is not fully hidden.). As I’ve spent the better part of the last five years discovering and overcoming my own personal issues, I’ve come to realize that writing about them (and running) is all the therapy I’ve needed. Granted, I’ve often considered seeking out counseling to deal with the loss of my son, facing cancer in my mid-twenties and dealing with NAIT and the effects it has had on myself and my family. However, I never made the time to go and talk to anyone. Instead, I wrote. I let the words flow for all who desired to read and felt a great sense of relief each time I hit the “Publish Post” button. But, for some reason, life’s little moments got the better of me and I didn’t make time for my weekly catharsis. This eventually took its toll, as I found myself focusing more on running and less on writing. Okay, so I ran three half-marathons and a 15K in the matter of five months last year. I trained hard because I felt that I had something to prove (at least to myself), ran well and experienced an amazing sense of accomplishment each time I crossed the finish line and looked up at my official time. But, as the miles and months have piled up, I’ve found myself fixating too much on certain areas of my life — areas that used to feel much more comfortable to me.

And, this readers, is why I’m back. Back to writing, back to releasing, back to taking some time to reflect on some of the unknowns that are suddenly creeping up into my line of sight. I’ve learned that as important as it is for me to recognize my unknowns (those of both the good and bad varietal) and the effects they’ve been having on my life, I need to release. So, I welcome back all of you with open arms. I hope that you decide to return to Deep Thought Thursdays. I promise that it won’t all focus on my own philosophical pander — rest assured, they’ll be plenty of Clara and Elyse anecdotes and photos to go around. But, I will promise you that each post will help me recognize and release — my new approach to life’s little mysteries.

And for those of you celebrating the holiday this weekend, here’s a gratuitous shot of my two girls donning their Easter attire. Happy Easter! (Photo By; Bernie Hoelschen, Hoelschen Photography):




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